[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help