me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.