1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
lol
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“We will wed,” I threatened
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.