Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
You Might Also Like
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old