(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
You Might Also Like
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone