If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
You Might Also Like
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
At least he brought enough for everyone
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening