Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
🔦🌙👣
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?