Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Rt to bother an English speaker
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
You deplete me
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.