Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro