Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.