I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds