The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
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Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]