lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Liquor Store Parking
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
How to properly lift a body
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.