For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
S/o to @funTweeters .