My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.