baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
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When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.