[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow