[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
You Might Also Like
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii