Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?