[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?