I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Happy Thanksgiving
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre