If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
be careful
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”