I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
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My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
is this how new cars are made??
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.