I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
A Short Story.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays