The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
meanwhile over on facebook
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
the three branches of government
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.