Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.