Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH