I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
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A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.