“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
💻🤡
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.