*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
goldfish mafia
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Just why bro?!
Velcrow
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing