Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…