Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
You Might Also Like
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
How actors in movies eat their food
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.