Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
This was the best day of my life
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
an airline just for babies.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED