Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
is it earth
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.