PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
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Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
beware of dog
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice