Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.