Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
broke down and did it
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor