if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
You Might Also Like
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.