I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Wait a minute…
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.