“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
What is going on? 😅
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.