Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
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People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.