When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
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DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.