[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball