Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
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GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
What if the weather talks about us?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?