People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
me hitting on a model
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
at ease…shoulder.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy