Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
こいつ天才
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?