Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Cndnsd Mlk
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit