I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
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If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!