Body by Oreos
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Mornin. * use accordingly
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Do not levitate over flowers
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
January has been Januweary
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑