I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
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THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
me working on my assignments ^-^
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.